


The Limits of Healing

by Aulophobia



Series: Not Quite as Expected [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy(ish) Ending, Chronic Illness, Clubbing, Confusion, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Recreational Drug Use, Trainee Healer James Sirius Potter, palliative care, poor communication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:02:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24336325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aulophobia/pseuds/Aulophobia
Summary: Living in Grimmauld place with Teddy was perfect.  Or at least it was until Teddy started dating their friend Susan, leaving James feeling left out.  A night out and a sick child, James meets during his first placement of his healer training, changes things though. Just not in any way he could have imagined.
Relationships: Teddy Lupin/James Sirius Potter, Teddy Lupin/James Sirius Potter/Original Female Character, Teddy Lupin/Original Female Character
Series: Not Quite as Expected [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1756930
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	The Limits of Healing

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a Teddy/James/Susan side story that takes place after the main events of Accidents Happen. You don't need to have read that story to read and understand this one. There is some use of medical terminology, although I have tried to make it understandable to people without a medical background, please let me know if I've used some term that isn't understandable. If anyone wants a glossary then please ask. This story is not just about Teddy/James and Susan’s relationship, it is also about a seriously ill child, which I know might not be for everyone. I have given some more details of this in the end notes if anyone feels they need to know more about that aspect before they read this. It does contain spoilers though. I have no one to beta my stories so all mistakes are my own.  
> See end note for trigger warning.

“I’m beat” James said as he flopped onto Teddy’s bed. He’d just arrived home after his fourth shift of the week as a Trainee healer. It had been a short shift, for which he was grateful, as it meant he was home at 3pm instead of his more frequent home time of after 9pm. He was six months into his training and was currently doing a rotation at a Muggle children’s hospital.

“Get the hell of my off my bed James. You stink. Go get in the bloody shower.” Teddy replied, kicking James, and causing him to clatter on to the floor.

“Hey, no fair.” James said, rubbing his elbow, which had hit the floor hard as he fell. “I can’t smell that bad.” James lifted his tunic to his face and sniffed. He grimaced. Okay, maybe he did smell that bad. He dragged himself up off the floor. He quickly stripped out of his uniform, leaving him in just his boxers, and discarded it. 

“James, you have your own perfectly usable room. My floor is not your fucking laundry basket.” Teddy flicked his wand, sending the offending items of clothing straight into the back of James’ head as he headed out of the room. James turned and picked up the white tunic and navy trousers. Sticking his tongue out at Teddy he left and went to get in the shower. He stopped briefly in his room to dump the clothes in his laundry basket. Living with Teddy was great. In fact until recently it had been perfect. Teddy was his best friend. Unfortunately, neither of them was very good at keeping things clean and tidy, so he was thankful that Draco, his father’s once school yard rival and now boyfriend, had given them the use of a couple of the Manor’s elves, to help with the cleaning at Grimmauld. The place would be a disaster without them, and he’d probably never have clean uniforms.

James climbed into the shower, letting the hot water run over him. He’d known healer training would be hard, but this placement felt like it was killing him. It was his first time working with patients. He’d been there for 3 weeks now, doing rotations of mostly 12-hour shifts. At least they were meant to be 12 hours, he rarely seemed to finish on time. Because he was in a muggle hospital, he wasn’t allowed to use magic and it was a lot harder to get used to than he thought it would be. He didn’t think it was just his unfamiliarity with the muggle ways of doing things that made him late though. It was a rare day when any of the nurses on the ward managed to leave on time. Some of the other’s in his class had gotten St Mungo’s for their first placement, and he wondered how they were managing. He thought it would probably be easier not to have to spend half his time restraining himself not to use magic, when he was fumbling over tasks that he was used to using his wand for. There was also the problem that without magic, there wasn’t much he could do for the patients. He knew that with his inexperience this would be the same if he were in St Mungos, but maybe it would be less frustrating if others around him were able to heal with magic. Instead he felt impotent having to watch children sick and in pain, with only what muggle healthcare could do to help them get better. It was heart breaking seeing some of the kids there. He knew that some of them could have been cured, or at least made to feel better, by the healers at St Mungos had they been witches or wizards. Hell, he knew even his highly limited knowledge could have made a difference to some of the children. He stuck to the rules though. His lectures leading up to this placement had drilled into him the importance of not interfering. With this on his mind every day, he shadowed one of the qualified nurses who taught him about how they cared for and managed, the kids on the ward. The nurses didn’t know he was a wizard, nor did any of the other staff he worked directly with, and he was treated exactly the same way as any muggle student would be. And it wasn’t as if the healthcare the children received was unsophisticated. A significant majority of the medications and operations that the children were given were incredibly complex, but Muggle medicine had different limits to magic, and most frustratingly, was often slower. A large part of the importance of this placement was about learning limits. One day he knew that he'd be treating patients whom even magic couldn’t help. This was how he was meant to learn restraint. 

The ward he was working on was small, only eight beds, and specialised in gastroenterology. He was fascinated by the variety of medications given, and many tubes that most of the children there seemed to have inserted into them. It was even more amazing that none of them seemed particularly bothered by any of it. They were still just children. Of all the children though, there was one little girl whom he felt especially drawn to. Maddie was the child that stole his heart. She was a long-term patient with intestinal failure, alongside chronic pancreatitis, and a degree of liver damage, due to her requirement for intravenous nutrition. She was small for her age and had tubes and stomas everywhere. Bags attached both to allow her to receive the variety of medications and nutrition she needed, and for the various bodily fluids and functions to drain into. Still there was a determination in the fierce little girl. A fire to live. She spent all of her time running around the small ward with her little backpack on, when she could manage to carry the heavy bags that provided all of her nutrition. When she was too tired for her backpack, or couldn’t be bothered, she was followed by one of her exasperated parents pushing an IV pole. She was also frequently attached to one or other of the various medications, running straight into her veins, via the machines that beeped irritatingly whenever the lines kinked, or the infusion was nearly finished. He’d gone to bed more than one night hearing those beeps in his dreams. The sounds of the day following him into sleep.

Grabbing the shampoo and rubbing it through his hair he thought back to the day a week ago. It had been one of the best days he’d had on the ward so far. A was a quiet Sunday when the nurses and doctors had manged to send most of the kids home on weekend leave. It was just Maddie left on the ward. He hadn’t questioned why all the other kids could go home, for at least a little while, yet she was still too sick to be allowed out with just her parents. With just her there, the staff and her parents conspired to make it as good a day as possible. He’d accompanied one of the qualified nurses with Maddie, and her parents, to the small park outside the back of the hospital. He was instructed to run and go get ice-creams from the near by van. They all sat in the sunshine enjoying the sweet treats and the escape from the confining walls of the ward. He’d smiled at Maddie as she stole licks from a lemon ice lolly and asked him to tell her stories about magic, something he’d found himself doing whenever there was a period of down time on the ward. Her joy was infectious. The ice lolly had been bought for her, but she wasn’t allowed to just eat it by herself, no matter how simple the treat. She was only allowed to taste food. Never eat it. But she didn’t care. Didn’t realise that she was different and that not being able to eat was missing out on something. She got to taste, and that was enough. The rest of the day had been spent telling her what she thought were made up stories, about a school in Scotland and adventures around the magical castle.

James got out of the shower; a towel wrapped around his waist. He used a second towel to rub the water out of his hair. Rather than going to his own room he headed back to Teddy’s. He didn’t feel like being by himself just yet. Teddy was lying back on his bed reading.

“Feeling better?” Teddy asked. “You looked pretty beat.”

“It was exhausting today. Even though it was a short shift”

“Get used to it. The wards at St Mungos aren’t any better. The entire training process is brutal. I’m glad I’m nearly finished.”

James chucked the damp towel he’d been using to dry his hair, at Teddy. He wasn’t in the mood for hearing about how close Teddy was to finishing, when he was only just starting. 

“I could just do with some time off. I’m not due back for a few days. I think I might just sleep the entire time till my next shift.”

“What you need is some fun.” Teddy replied, a wide grin on his face. “Susan is coming over this evening. Thought we might head out if you’re up for it.”

James didn’t like it when Teddy mentioned Susan. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Susan, in fact in just the short time he’d known her, she’d become one of his closest friends. It was just when Teddy had started dating her a couple of months ago, things had changed. The three of them had hit it off as soon as they’d been introduced at his Dad and Draco’s home. They’d escaped to Grimmauld shortly into that party with some pilfered bottles. He still cringed when he thought of his Dad walking in on the three of them the following morning. All of them were nursing hangovers, when he was meant to be on his way back to his final term of school. They’d spent that night drinking themselves silly, all falling asleep on the living room floor. Teddy hadn’t long broken up with Victoire at that point, and himself and Susan had ganged up on Teddy, teasing him to try and make him feel better. There had been several more nights like that once he’d finished school, and he and Teddy had moved in together. Susan worked nearby, so barely an evening went past when she didn’t end up having dinner at their place. Then her and Teddy had gotten together, and he started feeling like a third wheel. Susan was over as often as ever, and they still went out together occasionally, but he would try and find reasons to excuse himself when she was over. He knew it wasn’t really fair on either of his friends, but something grated when he saw them together. He felt like the younger sibling that they put up with, even though they did nothing to make him feel this way. In fact they were both almost as affectionate with him as they were with each other, the same as they had been before they’d gotten together. Still he felt left out, and he hated that feeling. James did want to go out tonight though. After the week he’d had, he could do with letting loose and drinking too much.

__________________

“I’m ordering sushi, if that’s okay with you.” James called upstairs to Teddy, who was still getting ready. James was already dressed to go out, and Susan was due over in about 30 minutes. They’d all sit and eat dinner together before heading out to one of their favourite clubs in Soho.

“Sushi sounds great. Order tempura soft shelled crab. It’s Sus’ favourite.” Teddy shouted from upstairs.

“Sounds good to me. You want some sashimi too?” James shouted back.

“Of course. Who’d you take me for?”

Teddy grabbed his phone and ordered a selection of stuff from their favourite sushi restaurant. It should be with them soon after Susan arrived. He heard Teddy come down the stairs and turned to look. Teddy was wearing a pair of impossibly tight black jeans, and a black skin-tight t-shirt with an oversized black shirt over the top. His hair was his favourite shade of bright blue. James couldn’t help but stare at his friend. He knew he was attracted to Teddy, but also knew he wasn’t going to do anything about it. Not only was he with someone else, but he was his best friend and housemate. He didn’t want to ruin what they already had. 

“Like what you see, James?” Teddy said, and if James didn’t know better, he could have sworn his friend was flirting with him. “I’m going to light a joint. Care to join me?”

“Sure. Sounds good. Food shouldn’t be too long.” James replied.

“Great. Crack open a bottle and set it decanting. The wine cellars here are a god send. Do you think Harry just forgot they were here or decided that we deserved them?”

“Decanting Teddy? You sound like Draco.” James snorted. His Dad’s partner was a lot posher than the rest of the family. Most of them, including Teddy, didn’t understand the first thing about wine.

“Well Uncle Draco and Aunty Pansy would be appalled if we just drank the wine here like it was the cheap stuff from Tescos.” Teddy said in as aristocratic a voice as he could muster, with a grin and a hint of sarcasm. He’d started referring to Draco, and Draco’s best friend, Susan’s mother, Pansy like this after the Easter barbeque when Draco had been officially introduced into the family. It irked Susan to have Teddy refer to her mother as if she were family, especially as she never called her by anything other than her first name. Susan and Pansy’s relationship was a strange one. Susan was very close with her Dad, but her and Pansy always had a bit of a strained relationship. Susan met up with her mother for lunch around once a month, and it could be guaranteed that as soon as lunch was over, Susan would head straight to Grimmauld place and end up encouraging both boys to drink as much as humanly possible, very rapidly, before she passed out on the sofa. Still Teddy persisted in calling Pansy, Aunty. James thought he mostly did it to annoy people. The persistence with Draco, was if anything, even greater. It always earned a particular scowl from Draco when he was referred to in this way, normally resulting in his Dad having to try his best to stifle laughing at his partner. Of course this meant that it never failed to result in Teddy doubling over in hysterics. James didn’t so much mind Teddy calling Draco, Uncle, even if he sometimes struggled to get out of the habit of calling him Mr Malfoy himself, despite his Dad’s insistence that he use Draco’s first name. He could see how good Draco was for his Dad, especially since Callie had arrived. His new little sister, or niece, he wasn’t quite sure what the correct term for their family association was, was adorable. He went over to the Manor at least once a week and loved watching his Dad and his partner with the baby. He knew he should probably make the same effort with his mum and half-brother. He’d always been closer to his mum growing up, but the divorce, and circumstances surrounding it, had strained their relationship and it always felt awkward going round to see her, Lee, and baby Freddy, so he avoided it. 

“There’s a bottle of white in the fridge. No decanting required. Besides, it’ll go better with the fish. If you think Draco and Pansy would be appalled at the lack of decanting, think about what they’d say if they knew you’d suggested a red with sushi. Even Susan would probably scoff at you for that. They’d probably be appalled that we were drinking wine at all and not some other more culturally appropriate drink.”

“Fine you win. I’ll forgo my preferred wine for you. But you owe me.” Teddy pouted. “Now do you want a drag.” Teddy had a perfectly rolled joint in his hand.

“Sure Teds.”

The two of them sat of the back doorstep. After the first few tokes, James decided to leave Teddy to his joint and stumbled back inside to find his cigarettes. He always preferred just plain tobacco to weed, but Teddy often enjoyed relaxing of an evening with joint, and more often than not he’d have a little with his friend. He found his fags in his coat pocket, hanging by the door. He was just making his way back to Teddy when the front door opened. 

“I smell you’ve started without me.” Sus announced as she walked in. She’d long since given up being polite around the two of them. Knocking had gone out of the window months back.

“You know Teddy.” James grinned standing in the kitchen doorway. He could feel the few tokes of the joint affecting him.

Teddy came up behind him and put his arms round James’ waist, his head resting on his shoulder.

“What you saying about me James? Am I being a bad influence?” Teddy drawled, and James could practically hear the pout on his best friend’s face.

“He’s saying nothing but the truth, love. Now are you going to come here and greet me properly or are you going to play with the gorgeous thing you’ve got your arms around all night.” Susan said flirtatiously.

“He is rather delicious.” Teddy replied, and James felt himself blush. Teddy kissed his cheek, then let him go and moved to Susan. James felt a twinge of jealously watching the two of them kiss in greeting. He knew they were good together, but he couldn’t help how much he hated feeling like the odd one out. There was also the uncomfortable feeling of arousal, when he saw Susan’s hand make its way into his friend’s back pocket, which although wasn’t unfamiliar, wasn’t exactly fun when he couldn’t do anything about it. He had to force his eyes’ away. He really needed someone of his own. Maybe if he had a girlfriend, or boyfriend, he wasn’t really fussed which, it would be different. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel like every interaction between him and his two friends was like being on a rollercoaster of attraction, jealously, guilt and restraint. The doorbell sounded providing a nice distraction.

“You two, stop that for a moment. I think the food is here.” James said, pushing away his previous feelings and walking passed them in the corridor. He couldn’t let himself be jealous of his two friends. Besides tonight was meant to be fun. He opened the door and accepted the delivery. He saw Susan eye the bag with delight.

“Did you get soft shell crab?”

“Tempura and spider rolls. I know what you like, Sus.” James chuckled and before he knew it Susan’s arms were around him and she was kissing him. James felt himself becoming aroused again. He had to stop it. This was his best friend’s girlfriend. It didn’t matter that he was there watching this and was making no move to stop it, or that Susan had practically leapt on him. He wasn’t meant to be enjoying Susan pressing up against him. Wasn’t meant to enjoy her mouth on his. He wasn’t supposed to be interested in both of his friends like this. It could only end in disaster.

“Way to make a guy feel inadequate.” Teddy said, and Susan stopped kissing him. It was both a relief and a disappointment. She kept her arms around him though, her body still pressed up against his. 

“You know I love you too. But this gorgeous thing has just gotten me my favourite thing in the world.” Susan beamed at James as she said this and gently nibbled at his ear. He had to bite his lip to stop himself moaning in pleasure. Then abruptly she stopped and let him go. “Let’s get this food to the kitchen. I hope someone has had the foresight to chill a bottle of white,” Sus continued.

Susan took James by the hand and led him, stunned, into the kitchen. They laid out the food and ate and chatted. It took James a while to get over his shock at Susan’s behaviour towards him, but neither her nor Teddy seemed bothered by it, so he decided it was just them being their usual flirty selves. It wasn’t like it was the first time Susan had thrown herself at him, it was just the most intimate he’d had to deal with. Both of his friends often found ways to touch him. They were both just very tactile people, and he was sure it wasn’t just him they were like this with. He’d seen them behave in similar ways at the larger parties they’d held too, with more than just him. 

_____________________

It was after 10pm when they all left Grimmauld and apparated into Soho. James was feeling more than a little tipsy, and guessed Susan and Teddy were probably the same. They’d all indulged in a little bit too much wine over dinner, on top of a couple of joints shared between them, and some pill that Teddy handed to them before they left the house. Susan took both his and Teddy’s hands as she led them through the crowded Friday night streets towards the club they’d planned to go to. There was already a que outside, but Susan ignored it. She walked straight up to the bouncer and batted her eyelids. The tight skirt and low-cut top certainly helped her case, but James was sure he saw Teddy subtly tuck his wand away as they were dragged through the door into the club. Susan tried to haul them both straight onto the dance floor, but Teddy insisted they go get drinks first. Susan pouted but let Teddy take the two of them to the bar. James wasn’t sure he needed another drink but went along with it. They ordered three cocktails and made their way to one of the booths, which was thankfully still empty, despite how busy the club was. James found himself sitting between his two friends. Teddy had one arm around him, and it took all of his strength not to just lean into his friend with the alcohol hazing his thoughts. To anyone looking at them, it probably would look like they were the couple. Susan’s foot was stroking up his leg. He knew he should tell her it was his leg she was caressing, not Teddy’s, but somehow, he couldn’t bring himself to. Instead he sat and listened to his friends talk, each of them touching him, and slowly drank his drink. 

When they’d all finished their brightly coloured beverages, Susan declared that they were all going to dance and pulled the two young men up out of the booth. James tried to hang back. He needed some space from the intense feelings his friends were provoking in him. He needed to find some other person to pour these feelings into. They were together. He was just their friend. Neither of them would let him though, and he found himself on the dance floor. Sweaty bodies were pressed in around him. He started to feel the music and the lights. The three of them holding hands and grinning at each other dancing in a circle. Then jumping up and down with the crowds, everyone singing at the top of their lungs. The atmosphere was intoxicating. Now he could feel James pressed into his back, the other man’s hands at his waist. Susan was in front of him, facing him. She was still dancing and singing along to the music. Her eyes wide and pupils dilated as she watched her boyfriend grind up against James’ back. She took James’ hands and pulled him into her. Then she moved his hands to her waist, wrapping her hands around his neck. He could still feel Teddy behind him. He felt when Teddy’s hands covered his. The three of them pushed tightly together, blotting out everything around them. Susan reached up and caught his face, pulling him into a passionate kiss that left him gasping. Then she reached to kiss Teddy, neither of them letting go of him. He could feel that Teddy was aroused. Then he was being turned around and Teddy’s mouth was on his. Teddy’s tongue teasing at his lips before entering his open eager mouth. His own erection was pressed against Teddy’s. Both of them grinding up and down to the beat of the music still pounding in the background. Teddy’s hands were in his hair, whilst at the same time Susan’s hands making their way inside of his shirt.

It was all too much. The sounds, smell, and heat of the club were suddenly oppressive. He wriggled free of the two bodies he was trapped between and ran. He thought he heard his name called from behind him but ignored it. He made his way out of the exit to the smoking area. He fumbled for his cigarettes and with shaking fingers he lit one. Taking a slow deep drag he tried to process what had just happened. He tried to rationalise. It was the drink, and the weed, and whatever the hell was in that pill Teddy had given to them. His friends were together. He was just there, and they had just taken their usual over affectionate way a little further than usual, because of the mix of alcohol and drugs in their systems. He couldn’t allow himself to think of his friends in any other way. He was the odd one out and to think he could be anything else would only end up with him hurting worse. He smoked silently and was on his second cigarette before he was disturbed.

“Hey there, James. You okay? You seemed a little bit out of it when you ran out.” Teddy said softly, having appeared unexpectedly beside him. “Susan is just getting our coats. Thought you might want to head home.” Teddy’s hand had found his, interlinking their fingers and allowing his thumb to gently caress James’ hand.

“Home sounds good.” James replied, talking to the floor. He knew he should pull his hand out of Teddy’s but couldn’t bring himself too.

“Look, if me and Sus are a bit much, all you have to do is say.” Teddy said just as quietly as before. His free hand had found James’ face and was turning it, trying to get James to look at him. At first, he resisted, then James looked up into his friend’s eyes. The sincerity in his words was clear, despite his obvious intoxication. James couldn’t help it then. He reached up and pulled Teddy’s face towards his and focused entirely on the kiss. The cigarette he’d been holding dropped from his hand, as he reached up towards Teddy’s face. He could feel Teddy’s hands on his arse, pulling him in, so their bodies were once again pressed closely against each other. He knew he was probably ruining his friendship with both Teddy and Susan in this moment but right now he couldn’t bring himself to care. He lost himself in the feel of what was happening. 

When he pulled away, he had to fight the tears. “We should go find Susan. She’ll be waiting for you.”

“James…”

“No Teddy. You’re with Susan. I was stupid to do this. We need to go home. Sleep off all the crap we’ve taken. We can talk in the morning.” James turned morosely and left, heading back into the overstimulation of the club so he could make his way to the exit, where Susan was no doubt waiting with their coats. 

____________________

James crashed into his bed. He hadn’t said a word to Teddy or Susan as they all made their way back to Grimmauld place. He had seen the looks on their faces. The disquiet between them. He hoped that they would work it out. That he wasn’t responsible for fucking it up between the two of them. That he hadn’t fucked up his friendships in the process. He pushed off his trousers and boxers. He was still turned on, despite everything that had happened. His hand found his cock and he slowly began to stroke. Rather than trying to think of anything else, he pushed aside his guilt and let himself fantasise about what he knew what was impossible, especially after tonight. After tonight he wouldn’t blame either Susan or Teddy, for cutting him out of their lives. He quickly worked himself up thinking about Teddy kissing him, of pushing himself up against his friend. Grinding into him. Susan was there too. Her tongue teasing his neck. Her pulling him away from Teddy. Claiming him as hers. The three of them pressed together, a tangle of limbs and pleasure. It was with thoughts of the three of them he found his release and quickly fell asleep.

James woke up, ashamed and sticky. He felt disgusting in more ways than one. He was hungover and filthy, covered in sweat and cum. More than that though, it was the shame of how he’d treated his best friends that made him want to throw up. He needed to find himself someone of his own. To let his friends be. Last night could never happen again. He couldn’t let it. Despite telling Teddy he would talk to him in the morning, James didn’t. He didn’t talk to him over the next few days either. Initially Teddy had tried to get him to talk but eventually gave up. James felt too humiliated to discuss what had happened with so instead he holed himself up in his room. He barely left; only venturing out when he needed food. He wanted to get back to the ward. At least then he could get some respite from his own problems. Whatever was happening there couldn’t be worse than the way he currently felt. The days before his next shift were some of the worst he’d experienced. He didn’t know that a worse day was rapidly approaching.

When James arrived on the ward for his next shift, he knew something had happened. There was a tension in the air as he sat in the small room they used for handover. The nurse in charge of the night shift was later than usual when she came into the room and handed out the sheets of paper with details of all the patients currently being cared for. Not a huge amount had changed since he’d last been there. The long-term patients were all still there, including Maddie. The haggard look of the nurse giving handover reinforced what he’d felt on entering the ward though. It hadn’t been an easy shift. 

Walking out of the handover room, he felt sick. He had to pull himself together. He was meant to be training as a healer. He was meant to be able to cope with these kinds of things. Still he hadn’t been prepared to hear that Maddie had become seriously unwell over the last day, deteriorating rapidly. The Paediatric Intensive Care outreach team had been out to see her more than once overnight, and the staff all knew it was a matter of when, and not if, that she’d be moved to PICU. He tried to put it out of his mind as he followed the nurse he was shadowing for the day, but he barely paid attention to what she was telling him as she checked the charts and the patients they’d be caring for over the shift. Maddie wasn’t one of them, but he couldn’t help but glance in through into the cubical opposite the nurses’ station, to see her. She had an oxygen mask on and looked tired. She was still ordering her parents about he noticed. That made him smile. Maybe she wasn’t be so sick if she could still do that. He was wrong though. Less than two hours into his shift he had to watch helplessly as Maddie was sedated, intubated, and whisked off to intensive care to treat the sepsis caused by the central line and intravenous nutrition, that were meant to keep her alive. The rest of the shift passed in a blur, and before he knew it, he was walking out the back entrance of the hospital. He knew he should probably just apparate home to bed, but there was something about the night air that he needed. His head had been so full of his own problems the last few days he’d forgotten all about the sick children stuck within the hospital. Forgotten about the little girl who was now fighting for her life.

He felt a little better after his walk through Bloomsbury, and past Kings Cross, to Islington. The fresh air and copious amounts of nicotine had helped clear his head. He wanted, more than anything, to be able to sneak into the hospital in the dead of night and cure the little girl who’d captured his heart so quickly. He knew it wasn’t possible though. It wasn’t just that he’d be caught before he could even try, but he knew his skills weren’t up to it. He could probably use his magic to attempt to keep her going a little longer than the standard muggle ways, maybe take away some of the pain, but he didn’t have the knowledge to rid her of the infection and underlying issues that had caused the problem in the first place. He didn’t even know if it were possible to cure Maddie, even if she had the best healer magic could provide. Besides, the wizarding healer in the hospital would stop him as soon as he tried. Not only would he be breaking the statute of secrets, but without the proper training and supervision, the risk of him doing more harm than good was high. The whole point of this placement was to learn his limits. Right now it felt like a cruel lesson. All over the world children like Maddie were suffering. Children who might be saved if wizards were allowed to interfere in the muggle world. He was glad Teddy didn’t seem to be in when he entered Grimmauld place. He didn’t think he could deal with his guilt over what had happened at the club on top of his guilt over not being able to help Maddie. He went straight upstairs without eating and collapsed on his bed. He fell asleep crying in frustration.

__________________________

The next few shifts he had at the hospital passed uneventfully. There was no word as to what was happening with Maddie in PICU. It was infuriating, yet somehow relieving in a lot of ways. If she had deteriorated further, then he was sure someone on the ward would be told. He looked forward to the day when she’d be rampaging up and down the ward again. He held onto his hope. Over a week had passed after she had been moved to intensive care before he heard any news of her. The news wasn’t good. Whilst he was checking on the patient charts at the start of his shift, he overheard one of the doctors talking to the nurse in charge about her. The entire morning was subsequently spent fighting his worry, until it was finally time for his lunch break. It was nearly 3pm when he was allowed out of the ward for his 45-minute break. They’d had a busy shift up till that point. Rather than heading to Waitrose and grabbing himself a sandwich and smoking in the park like he usually did, he headed towards PICU. He introduced himself to one of the nurses at the desk, explaining who he was, and asked whether he might visit with Maddie. His nerves felt on edge the entire time. Her parents were there, and they greeted him warmly before leaving for a meeting with some of Maddie’s doctors. He looked at the little girl on the bed. She was almost unrecognisable. Her whole body was swollen with fluid; her hands and feet mottled with poor circulation and broken capillaries, creating a purpuric rash. She was surrounded by a tangle of tubes and wires, all connected to her and keeping her alive. This wasn’t the same little girl who ran down the corridors. The machines beeped and the nurse looking after her went and pressed a few buttons to stop the noise. He didn’t know what to say now he was here. He took her hand and the nurse smiled at him before she went back to her charting. Her presence was the only thing restraining him from pulling out his wand and trying, however futilely, to do something. She wasn’t going anywhere though, and he used that thought to calm his racing mind and stop him acting rashly. He wished he knew whether Maddie knew he was there. He wanted to comfort her in some way. He thought about telling her about what was happening in his life, but that probably wasn’t appropriate for an eight-year-old. She’d always loved his stories about Hogwarts. About flying and magic and mythical creatures. They had never failed to make her light up, and more than once had insisted she be pushed around on her IV pole pretending it was a broom, or waving around an empty syringe saying it was a wand. So he told her stories of magic. Ones about fighting against impossible odds. He told her about his father’s childhood. About how a child had triumphed where no grown up would have. He told her how his Dad had faced down the dementors when he was trying to save his Godfather. Of out flying dragon to capture a golden egg. About slaying an evil serpent to save his friend. He knew that he probably sounded insane to the nurse looking after the little girl, talking about magical beings that could suck out souls and the power of happiness and love, but he didn’t care. He needed to do something to help this child live. There was nothing physically or magically he could do. Instead he willed her to keep fighting. 

He knew that more than his allocated 45 minutes had passed when he eventually stood up to leave. He felt in a daze as he walked down the greenhouse like corridor exiting the intensive care units. Just as he reached the lifts, he spotted a couple crying together. 

“Mr and Mrs Thomas? Is everything okay?” He said, recognising them as Maddie’s parents. “If you don’t want to talk about it with me that’s fine.”

“It’s okay James. I know you care about her too. I’m glad she had someone to sit with whilst we were gone.” Mr Thomas said. Mrs Thomas looked incapable of speech. Her grief was filling the air with an aura of sadness and desperation.

“I’ve just left her. I need to get back to work. Please tell me though if you can. Is something wrong? I mean something more.”

“Yes. It’s Maddie. We’ve just come from a meeting with her lead Doctors.” Mr Thomas replied. James could see he was trying to hold it together. Mrs Thomas was crying into her husband’s shoulder.

“Has something happened?” James knew his concern was palpable and when he saw Mr Thomas’ face crumple and tears starting to form in his eyes, he knew it was bad.

James was surprised when Mrs Thomas managed to speak through her tears, pulling herself together slightly as her husband crumbled. “They want us to withdraw care. They say there’s nothing more to be done. Her body has given up.” Then she turned back into her husband and started sobbing again.

“We’re going to spend a few hours with her and then…” Mr Thomas started but couldn’t finish, tears now streaming down his face.

James didn’t know what to say. He had known the little girl was sick, but he’d believed that her own strength of will and the powers of muggle medicine would pull her through. This wasn’t the first time she’d been on intensive care. He’d read her notes. She’d made it through worse. Yet here her doctors and parents were saying that this was it. That she’d had enough. 

“I’m so sorry,” James managed to stammer out before he rushed away from the grieving parents; back to the ward he should have been back at more that 20 minutes ago. There was nothing more he could do or say.

He was openly crying as he entered the ward. The nurse in charge immediately swept him into an empty room.

“Are you okay, James?” She asked.

“Not really.”

“Did you go see Maddie?” The nurse knew he’d been close to the girl, even though he’d only known her for a few weeks. It wasn’t a huge leap for her to have worked out that his state of distress was due to Maddie’s condition. Most of the staff, even her parents, had known for months that she was living on borrowed time; it was just him that it had come as such a shock to.

“Yes.” James just about managed to croak out.

“I guess you know then.”

“They’re going to withdraw care this afternoon.” James felt sick as he thought about it. Right now Maddie was alive. Hanging on by a thread and technology, but alive. When they stopped the machines supporting her fragile and broken body, she wouldn’t be.

“I know it’s hard James, but there are some things that we can’t fix. She’s been through three bouts of sepsis already. She’s practically lived in the hospital for the last 18 months. Sometimes there isn’t anything we can do.”

“But we should be able to do something.” James all but shouted in his desperation. “She’s a child. A week ago she was running around this ward and now she’s going to die.”

“We can’t save everyone. Children die. It hurts. But there are still more children that need our help. I know this is hard for you. You’re only a few weeks in and to experience the death of a child this soon is hard. It’s hard at any time, but you get more used to it. More used to the reality of working with children living with conditions that by all rights should have killed them years ago.”

“But I can do something…” James wept, despite knowing that his own skills weren’t enough. He knew that there were people who could give Maddie a chance, and somehow that hurt worse.

“James. I think you should probably go home for the rest of today. You’re not on shift again for a few days. Take the time to process this. Write something about this for me. Look into children’s palliative care. You can use it for your placement assessment. The death of a child is never easy and the first one always hits hardest. You’re good with the children. I don’t want you to give up just because this hurts right now.”

James sniffed. “Okay. I think going home is probably a good idea.”

James walked out of the hospital. He felt more lost than he’d ever done in his life. Had he been younger he would have run straight to his mum. Getting her to wrap him in her arms and tell him everything was going to be okay. Now he just wanted his friends. Wanted them to tell him that things would get better. That he wouldn’t always feel like this. His grief washed all of the confusion and guilt he’d been harbouring about the messed-up situation with his friends away. He walked a little way down Guilford street and into the delivery entrance of the hospital. Hoping, but not really caring, that no muggles would see him, he apparated home. 

James collapsed inside the door of Grimmauld Place, unable to move any further. The silence of the house told him he was alone. He sat there thinking over everything he’d experienced in the last few weeks. He felt numb. He tried to turn it all over in his head, trying to find a way of saving her. There wasn’t one. The more he thought about it the angrier at the world he got, for letting this happen to a little girl. She’d done nothing to hurt anyone one. Unlike his parents, or his little sister, he didn’t have a short temper, but right now he wanted to lash out at something. His dad had survived a killing curse, not once, but twice, and a happy innocent little girl was losing a fight to fucking bacteria. He needed to break something. To show the world how unfair this was. His anger came with a surge of energy and he stormed up to the attic, still full of the crap of generations of Blacks. He knew it was stupid throwing around curses indiscriminately at this stuff. He knew some of it would probably fight back if hit with the wrong spell, but he didn’t care. He wanted something to feel his pain. His inadequacy. It felt satisfying hearing the wood splinter, and glass and china shatter around him.

“James.” The shout came from the door. The sound barely registered though, and he continued throwing spells at the furniture and other junk. 

“James!” The shout came again, more insistent this time. He continued to ignore it. Then his arms were being pinned to his chest and he was being pulled into a warm body. He tried to fight against the restraint, but it was no use. The hate filled energy that had been fuelling him left. He was sobbing and a hand was carding through his hair. He found his legs were no longer able to support him, overcome with an overwhelming weakness. Teddy lower him to the floor and pulled him onto his lap. His hands, no longer pinned, wrapped around his friend. One of Teddy’s hands caressed his back, the other was tangled in his hair. He took comfort from the closeness. 

“James,” Teddy whispered, when James’ sobs finally abated. “James, what happened?”

James found himself unable to speak. He couldn’t tell Teddy about Maddie. About the fact that right at this moment she would be breathing her last breath.

“James, I’m going to help you downstairs and into the shower. Do you think you can stand? I’m not sure I can carry you.”

James nodded against Teddy’s shoulder. Teddy moved and helped him to his feet, somehow not letting go of the close embrace between the two of them. He supported James down the stairs. When they reached the bathroom, Teddy closed the lid of the toilet and helped him to sit. Then he carefully and painstakingly helped him out of the uniform he was still wearing until James was sat in just his boxers.

“Do you think you can manage the rest by yourself?” Teddy sounded nervous. James wasn’t sure he could manage to move, let alone negotiate the shower. After several long moments of silence Teddy spoke again, taking his lack of a reaction as a no.

“Okay. I’ll help you.” 

James stared at the floor; he knew Teddy was getting himself undressed too. Then there was the sound of water hitting tiles and the floor, as the shower was turned on.

“I’m going to help you stand now.” James heard Teddy say. He wasn’t aware of reacting, but he must have as Teddy then said, “yes that’s right, put your arms around my neck,” and he found himself being eased onto his feet.

The water was warm. It felt odd showering in his underwear. The water was soaking into the material making it feel heavy. He noticed Teddy was in his boxers too. He could see where the water was making the material cling to the other man. James looked up and met Teddy’s eyes for the first time since he’d run from him at the club.

“There you are. Are you back with me?” The voice was soft and soothing. He wanted to reach out. To do something to drive the grief and desperation he felt away.

James didn’t say anything. He reached his hand up to Teddy’s face, his thumb stroking his friend’s lower lip. He pushed his body into Teddy’s and brought their mouths together. His hand eased Teddy’s soaked boxers down, finding his erection and encircling it with his fist, their mouths never parting. Teddy was as hard as he was.

“Fuck.” Teddy moaned and threw his head back, as James started moving his hand, trying to match what he usually did to himself. “Merlin, do you know how much I fucking want you.” Then there was another moan of pleasure. James responded by burying his head into Teddy’s shoulder and used his mouth and tongue to lick and kiss the soft skin.

Several long and gratifying minutes passed where he continued to stroke and tease before Teddy spoke again. The words came out uneven, and strained, and were not quite what he expected. “James, please. You need to stop this. Please. We need to talk…fuck that feels good.” James almost stopped. But then Teddy’s mouth was back on his and his hands were shoving James’ boxers down. He felt Teddy’s hand wrap around his own erection. They were matching each other stroke for stroke. Teddy was kissing at his neck, his mouth. The hand that wasn’t around his cock was gripping into his shoulder so tightly it almost hurt. James could feel how close he was. He was sure Teddy was on the edge too. Then Teddy’s hand faltered and he tensed. Hot white liquid covered James’ hand as Teddy came. Teddy kissed him gently, one thumb stroking his cheek. Then he knelt in front of James, who was still hard. 

“Are you sure you want me to do this?” Teddy asked.

James still didn’t speak but managed to nod. Teddy looked unbelievable kneeling in front of him with the water from the shower running through his hair and down his body. James couldn’t help the gasp that escaped as Teddy’s hot mouth enclosed itself around him. He lost himself in the sensations of Teddy’s tongue and lips. It felt like only seconds had passed before his own orgasm rushed through him and he came in Teddy’s mouth. He slid down the wall of the shower. Seconds later he was pulled between Teddy’s legs on the shower floor. He allowed Teddy to wash him. Teddy tenderly rubbed his back with soapy hands, caressed his chest. He even felt himself starting to become hard again as Teddy washed between his legs. He enjoyed the feel of Teddy massaging shampoo into his hair. He was being cared for. It was what he needed. Teddy turned his face towards him and kissed him gently. The loving care Teddy took over him finally allowed James to speak about what had happened earlier.

“I found out their withdrawing care from one of my patients today.” It still hurt, but it was more bearable now.

“Shit James. I wish there were something I could say to make this better for you, but there is nothing to make it suck less.”

“You being here helps.” James admitted.

“I’m glad.” Teddy said and kissed him again. “Do you think we can get out of the shower now?”

“Sure.”

Teddy helped James to his feet. Leaving both of their underwear in a sodden pile in the bottom of the shower. Teddy got out first and turned off the water. He covered James in a large towel and helped him to his bedroom and onto his bed. They lay together, wrapped around each other, with only towels between them, lying in contented silence. James could feel himself start to drift off when Teddy spoke.

“James, we need to talk about what just happened.”

James didn’t want to talk about it though. Talking about it would bring back all of the guilt and anguish he had been dealing with since the club. All he wanted to do was go to sleep. To wake up tomorrow as if today hadn’t happened.

“I don’t want to.”

“James, please just listen then. We shouldn’t have done that. Not when you were upset. I knew better but it felt so good when you touched me. I couldn’t pull away.”

James felt heat and shame rise to his face. He tried to get away, but Teddy’s arms remained tight around him, not allowing him to escape.

“No James. Please don’t leave. I don’t want you to leave. I want you to understand. I need you to understand.”

“What’s there to understand? I just forced myself on you because I was feeling like crap. You have a girlfriend for fucks sake. I just made you cheat on her, when all you were trying to do was help me because I had a shit day.” The full horror of what he’d done hit James as he said this.

“James, that’s not it at all. You didn’t force me to do anything. I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you. Had you had more than 2 seconds after said to stop before I took your cock in my hand you would have. It was me that took advantage. You were hurting and vulnerable.”

“But you didn’t take advantage, Teddy.”

“I did. I should have stopped you. I should have made you talk first. It wasn’t fair on you.”

“How was it not fair on me? I’m the one that kissed you. I’m the one that…” James couldn’t continue; he felt sick. Teddy should push him away. Should make him leave. Never talk to him again. Teddy wasn’t though, he was pulling James in closer and stroking his hair. Trying to comfort him.

“James, none of this is your fault. And I didn’t cheat on Sus, if that’s what your worrying about.”

That peaked James’ interest and he stopped trying to fight against Teddy. Instead he manoeuvred himself slightly so he could see his friend’s face.

“How was what we did not cheating?”

“Me and Sus don’t have what most people would think of as a traditional relationship. We’re allowed to be with other people. It’s just a matter of communication. She knows that I want you and is okay with it. Just like I’m okay with her wanting other people. Just like I’m okay with her wanting you too.”

“Seriously?” It all sounded farfetched as far as James was concerned, but he was curious. Besides the revelations were taking his mind off Maddie.

“Yes. It’s something we’ve talked about extensively. This thing between the two of us only works because we trust each other. We communicate. It’s all about consent and mutual respect.”

“Oh.” Teddy didn’t know what else to say.

“Look James, what me and Sus have isn’t for everyone. I never wanted you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Letting myself get carried away like that in the shower was unacceptable. Not because it could hurt Susan. But because it hurt you.”

“I don’t feel hurt.”

“You don’t?”

“No. Being with you was what I wanted. It’s what I needed. Wanting you like that isn’t new to me. I’ve wanted that for a long time, I just didn’t want to mess up what we have. Our friendship. I didn’t want to hurt Susan either.”

“Really?” It was Teddy’s turn to be surprised.

“Really. Do you know how hard it was to see you and Susan together? Do you know how jealous I was? I wanted both you at the club that night. I liked the way you were touching me. I always like it when you touch me. It was just confusing, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

“Is that why you ran and shut us out?”

“Pretty much.”

“I can’t believe I was such an idiot. With everyone else I manage careful negotiation, yet somehow, I expect you just to get it. How was I so stupid?”

James leaned over and kissed Teddy then and let his hand stroke the bare skin of his side.

“I don’t think you’re an idiot.” Teddy lifted his eyebrows at this, and James laughed. “Well at least not most of the time. Do you know what I really think about you?”

“What?”

“I think that I’ve spent too long keeping my hands off you.”

“Well please feel free to touch me as much as you like.” 

James batted Teddy’s head. “Prat,” James said before pulling Teddy close into him and kissing him. “Right now I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything.”

“I understand. Do you want to go back to your own bed so you can think about this properly?”

“No.” James replied firmly. Even if it was confusing, he knew what he wanted. “I want to stay right here. I want to go to sleep with you next me. I want to wake up next to you tomorrow morning. Tomorrow is soon enough to talk about this all properly.”

“I like that idea.” Teddy said, and wrapped his arms tightly around James, making him feel safer and more loved than he’d done since he was a small child. “I’m going to grab us something to sleep in. If I have you naked in my arms all night, I don’t think I’ll be able to resist doing the things I’m imagining right now. I want us to talk about this properly before we do anything else.”

“Okay.” Although James thought he would have been alright with whatever Teddy wanted to do. If Teddy wanted to wait, then he would. 

With one last kiss Teddy got out of the bed and went to rummage through his drawers. He through a clean pain of boxers and a t shirt over to James before shrugging into a pain of boxers himself. He grabbed a t-shirt and was just about to put it on before James’ interrupted him.

“Do you really need the t-shirt?” James said.

“I thought it would be best.”

“I don’t mind if you don’t. It’s not like you usually wear one to sleep in. I don’t either. Besides how often do we walk around the house in just our underwear. I’d be more comfortable with just the boxers on. I’m sure you would too. Besides, I want to be able to feel you properly lying next to me.”

“I think I could live with that.” Teddy replied, putting the shirt back in the drawer and returning to the bed. 

________________________

James thought it would take him ages to fall asleep with everything that had happened, but with Teddy pressed up against his back and his arms around him he drifted off quickly. He woke to gentle kisses against his neck and the morning sun peeking through the curtains.

“Heya. You awake?” Teddy asked, nuzzling into James neck. James turned himself over, so he was facing Teddy.

“Yeah, I’m awake.” He said with a yawn.

“How’re you feeling today?”

“Better than yesterday, I think.”

“Good. Do you think you’re ready to get up and have some breakfast? We still need to talk properly about this.”

“I think what I want right now, is you.” James said, pulling Teddy into a proper kiss. He felt warm hands stroke up and down his body. His morning erection, there from waking, became harder and more demanding. He rutted against Teddy’s body, revelling in the friction. He thought that Teddy would stop him, would insist on talking before they did this, but when he looked into Teddy’s eyes, blown wide with lust, he knew he wouldn’t. 

When they were both sated, James curled up against Teddy’s chest and let himself relax as Teddy ran his fingers through his hair. He’d all but drifted off again when the door to bedroom opened, rousing him from his dream like state. 

“You guys look comfy” Susan said from the door, carrying three coffees in a tray and a bag of baked goods in one hand.

“Hey Sus.” Teddy said, keeping a tight hold around James, as if he were scared James would try and run again.

“Did I miss out on some fun last night?” Susan lifted her eyebrows, looking directly at Teddy as she spoke.

“James had a bit of a shit day yesterday.”

Susan looked at James, her eyes running over him speculatively. The intensity made him uncomfortable and he snuggled tighter into Teddy. It still felt strange being allowed to do this, especially when Teddy’s girlfriend was there watching him, but there had been no anger when she’d walked into the bedroom. Susan put the drinks and bag down on the dresser and came over to the bed, sitting on the side James was on. She kissed Teddy once. Like it was perfectly normal to find her partner curled up half naked in bed with someone else. Teddy and Susan had a whispered conversation, that he couldn’t make out, before she spoke to him.

“James, dear. Can I touch you?” She asked gently. He nodded. Susan lay down next to him, easing him away from Teddy and pulling him into her arms. Teddy was still stroking his hair. He felt safe and wanted cocooned between his two closest friends.

“I’m meant to be at work in half an hour, but I’m going to call in sick.” Susan said, breaking the spell. 

“Sus, you don’t have to.” James tried to insist, even though all he wanted was to spend his day in bed with his friends wrapped around him.

“Don’t be silly. I think you need both of us here today. I’ll be right back.” Susan got off the bed and left the room.

“See James, both me and Susan care for you.” Teddy said, when it was just the two of them.

“I know. It’s just seems so strange.”

“To you maybe, but not to us. We want you. And I think you want both of us too.”

“I do.” James was certain of this. He’d dreamt about this, he just never thought it could be possible.

“Well than that’s all that matters. We can spend the day here. We can talk. Things don’t have to change instantly. If you want to go back to how things were, if this makes you uncomfortable, then you can. I don’t want things to go back, but I would accept it and just be your friend. Susan would too.”

“I don’t think I can go back.” James admitted.

“Do you want to?” 

“No. I said I wanted you. I want Susan too. I don’t want things to be how they were. I know this might not work out. But it definitely won’t work out if we don’t try.”

“That’s just how I feel abut most things.” Susan said, as she re-entered the room. “If you don’t try then you can only fail.” She sat on Teddy’s side of the bed this time, taking James’ hand from where it was resting on Teddy’s hip. 

“Then we try.” Teddy replied, turning to kiss Susan and then James.

“We try.” Susan said as she bent down to kiss James.

The three of them curled into the bed together. Not yet wanting to talk. Just wanting to be close.

______________________

Teddy had been surprised to find the invitation waiting for him when he went back to the ward for his next shift. The previous three days had been spent in a whirlwind of conversation, takeaway food, ice-cream, and intimacy. None of them had left the house, in fact they barely left the bedroom. Having the rest of his life not crumbling around him made it easier to face going back to work. The invitation was bright, with pictures of butterflies and flowers decorating it. He knew what it would be before he opened it.

“Her parents dropped it off yesterday. There was one for the ward, inviting any staff who could to come. They left that one just for you though. They said you spent nearly an hour with her that day, telling her stories about how not to give up fighting. The nurse there told them about it. They told me to say they appreciated it.”

“Do you think I should go?” James asked.

“It’s up to you.”

______________________

The three of them walked down the hill and towards the church where the service was being held. Every house they passed had flowers and balloons decorating their gates. Subtilty, he used his wand to charm butterflies in every colour he could think of to join the decorations. Everyone he saw was wearing bright happy colours. He, Teddy, and Susan were all in brightly coloured dress robes. Susan had been the one to suggest it, after he’d told her and Teddy about how much Maddie had liked hearing about magic. Dressing in robes was the last small way he could bring the wizarding world into this muggle girl’s life, even if she wasn’t there to see it. The three of them each wore their house colours in the most elaborate robes they could find. He didn’t care if any of the others at the funeral thought they looked odd. Her parents would understand. They’d heard the stories he’d told too, even if they didn’t believe them. This was for Maddie. Today he would be a wizard for her. When they reached the church, he clutched Susan and Teddy’s hands. This was a celebration for little girl who’d lived every day to the fullest and who had died far too soon. She had been loved, though. He could see it in the faces of every person there. Her parents and those who cared for her had tried to give her as many good days as her short life could hold. Days of sunshine and stolen tastes of sweet treats. Days storming around a small hospital ward and wrapping everyone around her little finger. Of pretending she was witch with magical powers. She hadn’t been afraid to try. Tubes and wires hadn’t held her back. The hospital had become her playground, medical equipment her toys, and staff and other sick children her friends. He hadn’t understood at the time that those around Maddie hadn’t just been fighting to try and keep her alive, they’d been fighting to allow her to live. This placement had meant to be learning about restraint. About not doing more harm. About the limits of magic and medicine. James had learned more than that though. He had put limits on himself that had hindered his own potential for happiness. He’d not let himself see possibility. His grief over a child he’d only known for a few weeks had bulldozered through those walls. It was because of her that he had Teddy and Susan. She’d taught him, that whatever restraints the world put on you, you could find happiness. That with its endless possibilities, life could be limitless.

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: One of the major themes for this story is paediatric palliative care and contains the death of a child. The child dies of natural causes and I haven't written the scene where she actually dies. There is brief description of what a child with sepsis in intesive care looks like. I don't feel it's a particularly graphic description but some people might find it upsetting. This child plays a fairly integral part of the story and I don't think there is a way of reading around her death. If this is not something you think you can deal with then this probably isn't the best story to read.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Limits of Healing [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29290491) by [Aulophobia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aulophobia/pseuds/Aulophobia)




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